Legion/P-Dialogue
This is Legion's P-Dialogue! Unlike other character's P-Dialogue, Legion's consists of four people: Baron von Doomkill, Deena the Shaman, Miserable ol' Martin, and Crazed Priest of YALORT, Bostolm. Levels Level 22 ;Deena :I must say, existence within this metal shell is not quite as miserable as I anticipated! ;Miserable ol' Martin :Nothing could be as agonisingly miserable as what -I- anticipated, but this does come despairingly close. Gods, I'm depressed. ;Deena :Oh, it's not so bad, is it? We're getting to experience reality in such as novel and fascinating manner, which is a chance that few would get. How many could say they saw reality through the mechanical eyes of a metal shell? ;Miserable ol' Martin :A kind of novel and unusual punishment, more like. Just another to add to the long list of things I have to endure that others just don't. Bloody curse... ;Deena :Curse? ;Miserable ol' Martin :Oh, bother, I shouldn't have mentioned that. Now you'll just end up hounding me about it, and that horrible Baron will mock me endlessly about it. sigh. Yet more cause to be abjectly crestfallen. ;Baron von Doomkill :Bwahaha! Yet moah ammo to add to my ahsenal against you, you snivelling wimp! But you aah such a pathetically easy tahget! Like shooting dead, fat fat fish in an othahwise empty barrel, using a hilariously lahge cannon! :I want to kill some thing! You will let me slaughtah some things, ugly Knight, or I will gut you while you sleep! Not that I won't do that anyway! Bwahaha! I am a DEATH MACHINE! I will delivah death! ;Miserable ol' Martin :Sigh... See what we have to put up with? It's nothing but misery in here. Pure agonising torture. I wish I was dead. Again. Properly. Sigh. ;Bostolm :We're not DEAD?! GAAAH! AAAAAHHHH!!!!! Where am I?!? WHO ARE YOU?!? I dOn'T uNdErStAnD!! Now I remember! I AM MADE OF METAL!! Eeeeeeee!! ;Miserable ol' Martin :Just when I thought I couldn't feel any worse, I do indeed feel worse. gods, that mind's madness would drive me mad too if I wasn't busy being driven to sheer and utter eye-leaking despondence by it. :Not that these fake eyes can leak. And they give bad vision. This metal brain isn't very well-made. Sigh. It's even worse that the time I was stuck in that sarcophagus for three weeks and- ;Baron von Doomkill :Oh SHUT UP, will you?! I long for the day when I can simply kill you! NAY, annihilate you utterly from existence! Cleave you mind to nothingness! Feed you to a soul devourer! ;Miserable ol' Martin :Believe me when I say that I long for that day too. Gods, I'm depressed. ;Deena :Please excuse us. Maybe you'd prefer to carry on with your adventures instead of listening to this schizophrenic bickering, hmm? Don't worry; I'll make sure this body follows you despite this internal mess of misery, malice and madness. I am so very glad that I became an expert at meditation in life. A useful skill indeed. Level 26 ;Baron von Doomkill :What do YOU want, little cretin? ;Mardek :Well, Meraeador made you souls come into his Metal Man so he could hear about the Afterlife, I think... What's the Afterlife like? What's dying like? ;Miserable ol' Martin :It's very depressing and much more painful than you'd think. Or maybe that's just because I died while choking on a sausage. ;Deena :That... must have been a shameful end for you. ;Miserable ol' Martin :Compared to most of my life, it was barely a blip on the Shame-o-meter. It's not true, though. That's not how I really died. It was something different, but it's too depressing to talk about. I don't want to make you even more miserable than you already surely all are. ;Deena :Hm, yes. Anyway, as for your question, dying, for me, was... painful... as I was killed, rather than dying of any natural or peaceful causes, but the experience afterwards is surely what you're interested in so I'll get to that. :It involved darkness, and a feeling not unlike dreaming, which eventually intensified until it was like... like some fuzzy image, clearing up. Difficult to explain. But then there was a 'tunnel' before me; a path through some trees in the most marvellous of forests, more vibrant than any in our material reality. :Following the path was irresistable, so I went into the forest, elated, but- ;Baron von Doomkill :Now hold on a bloody minute! I saw no pansy -forest-! Nay! When I was slain in battle, I fell into a void, a swirling vortex of dahkness, with claws clawing at me from all angles; I had to fight them off! ;Miserable ol' Martin :I don't remember that. I remember being in a building, like a university, but it was quiet and dark, nobody was around. It was rather depressing, really. I wandered around for a bit, but it seemed to get darker and darker and the corridors changed all the time; I'd turn around and see new paths, not where I'd come from. :Eventually, I opened a rickety old door and ended up in this rather miserable black desert, black as murder. Most depressing place I've ever seen, and that's saying something. ;Baron von Doomkill :Aye, the black desert! I arrived thah too! The vortex dropped me thah. ;Deena :Except it wasn't really a desert, was it? No, it was beyond our four-dimensional perceptions; calling it a 'desert' is a metaphor at best. It was... a very lonely place. Dark, but not evil? ;Baron von Doomkill :Not evil? Bwahaha! I was thah, so of course it was evil! Yet... no, maybe it wasn't. It made me feel... small. :W-wait, nay, no! Not small! I am the mighty Baron von Doomkill! I RULED this place, this desert! I felt empowered! Yes! Dahkness! Bwahaha... ;Bostolm :I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE talking aboooouuut!! WEEEEAAAAUUUUGHHHH!!! Pixies! PIXIES!! Fading... Gradual! Pixies! No desert... PURPLE!! ;Baron von Doomkill :Then shat ap, you simple swine! ;Deena :Uh... It was immense, this desert, and time didn't flow here. Or at least not as it does in the material world. It was not the Afterlife I had been expecting. What of the Necropolises? Or the Dreamrealm-like wonderment and malleable mindstuff? It made no sense. Nothing happened here. I thought I was in Hell... ;Miserable ol' Martin :Uh, we were. I bet all miserable humans end up there, to spend eternity wandering all alone in that dark, dismal desert. I'd prefer that gloominess to one of those 'orrible smiley Necropolis places though. Happy people make me feel depressed. ;Baron von Doomkill :If that was Hell, it was no Hell that I would wish to be a paaht of! I wished to rule demons, I wished to battle the Lohds of Hell! ;Miserable ol' Martin :Well, it wasn't really Hell. Not that sort, anyway. I think it was the Antilife... You know, the place that GALARIS oversees? Didn't you see him? The miserable bloke in the cloak, with the scythe? Skull for a face? Hard to forget. Gave of this air of gloominess that made it terribly difficult for even I to be my usual cheery self. ;Baron von Doomkill :Aah yes... The skeleton man. Bwahaha, it's all coming back to me now! He and I had a duel, but I lo-... let him win... I felt sorry for the poor maggot, you see. Bwahah... ;Deena :Wait a minute... Isn't the Antilife the place where 'sinners' go to? The ones who need to cleanse themselves of Evil? Why then did we all end up there? ;Miserable ol' Martin :Like it's not obvious. ;Baron von Doomkill :Bwahaha! KILL KILL KILL!!! I will rule the world once moah!! ;Miserable ol' Martin :The Antiflife isn't necessarily for people who did Evil. It's for people who, deep down, at the core of their souls, don't feel good about themselves. Feel like they need to come to terms with what they did in life. They need to feel sorry for themselves, y'could say. Or like they need to be forgiven, by themselves. :Don't understand why I was there, really... I mean, I'm usually not the kind to mope. ;Deena :When you put it that way, perhaps there is a reason why I was there... I did not die content... ;Bostolm :IIIIEEEEEEE!!! Never NEVER saw no desert! DESERT! Pixies! Nooooo... I didn't go to Hell! YALORT LOVED ME!!! He hated me... ;Deena :That yellow mind has barely uttered a word. Did it share our experiences, or did it, too, see things entirely differently, coloured by its own life's experiences? ;Baron von Doomkill :Let the fool be silent! It gets on my nerves. I'd tear it to ribbons if I had but the means!! ;Bostolm :EEEEHeeheeheee! I am difficult to WRITE DIALOGUE FOR!!! ;Miserable ol' Martin :Fair enough. We all are, really. None of us are nearly as funny as we could be. Which... is depressing. I bet you didn't know I was going to say that. It's not like I'm predictable or anything. Or a one-dimensional character. Or quarter-of-a-dimensional character. Gods, I'm depressed. ;Mardek :Well... ;Deena :Mardek! You're still here! Forgive us; we've gone on quite a bit here. Sorry to hold you up. Come on now, boys; back to the game. We'll have to tell you more about this at another time. Level 29 ;Miserable ol' Martin :Oh, great. Wonderful. This Knight is talking to us again. Now we actually have to go through the gruelling misery of coming up with things to -say-. Sigh. ;Deena :Perhaps I could talk about why I think I ended up in the Antilife rather than a Necropolis? I've been coming up with theories for why it was we four who were summoned into this shell by the spell, and- ;Baron von Doomkill :Oh, please. As if anyone wants to listen to YOU! You aah the most boring of we foah minds! You have no absuhd pahsonality traits! You aah bland! Nothing you say is wahth saying! ;Miserable ol' Martin :Hmm? Are you talking to me? You may as well have been. I'm not very interesting. I'm rather pathetic, really. Never did anything with my life, 'cept get cursed. Gods, I'm depressed. Did you know that? Nobody ever pays attention to me, so I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't. ;Baron von Doomkill :Bwahaha! Everybody hates YOU too, surely, you miserable wreck of a grub! You do not deserve to shaah this automaton of annihilation with me, the almighty Baron von Doomkill! I am the ladies' favourite, for suah! Mwahaha! ;Deena :Hm, so, as I was saying, since I was killed, by my husband, no less, when he poisoned the cave in which we both once lived, in the Canonia Woods, using the Earth Crystal, which I'd implored him not to seek out- ;Baron von Doomkill :Do we need to listen to this? NO!! No, we do not! Why can't we all listen to ME?! I am the BEST heah! I could tell you about some of my most majestic of massacahs! My most satisfying slaughters! Or the time I beheaded that little blind orphan girl when she- ;Miserable ol' Martin :I'd just like to interject to tell you that I am feeling very depressed. ;Bostolm :If I weren't already mad, this would drive me more mad. It's indubitably vexing, sharing this canister of a cranium with these less-than-charming characters. ;Baron von Doomkill :You don't talk like that, you nonce! Get back to screaming incoherently about pixies before I make you scream IN PAIN!!!1!!2 Bwahaha!! ;Bostolm :AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Did someone mention PIXIES!?!? OH NO!! Oh yes. OH NO?!? AAAAHHHH!! ;Miserable ol' Martin :And you were probably expecting to get some worthwhile and satisfying dialogue from us, weren't you, Sir Knight? Well, your armour's dirty. And I'm very depressed. Can we just... move along now? I hate listening to... me. Locations Areas/events not listed below Option 1 ;Baron von Doomkill :Yes, little maggot? You wish to speak with the great Baron von Doomkill? Well I do not wish to lowah myself to your level! Bwahaha! Get out of my face. Option 2 ;Miserable ol' Martin :Sigh... Gods, I'm depressed. What do you want? Do you just want to tease me? I'm not in the mood... Ohhh, -Gods-, why can't existence just -end-? every moment is pure torment! I can't even cry because I'm made of metal now! SIIIGH!!! Option 3 ;Deena :Hm? Do you need something? I don't have anything much to say at the moment, I'm afraid. Option 4 ;Bostolm :HELLO THEEEERRRREEE!!! Hello. I'm okay! I'M OKAY!!! Weeee!!! Goznor ;Baron von Doomkill :Bwahaha! I remembah when I ruled this place, once! With an iron fist and the powahs of dahkness! And I shall do so again, in due time! Just you wait and see, little pipsqueaks! I WILL MUHDAH YOU ALL. Sun Temple ;Miserable ol' Martin :I despise the sun. It gives me nightmares. Xantusia ;Miserable ol' Martin :These lizard people smell terrible. How do I know? Well, it's true to say that this mechanical body has no olfactory perceptions. But you can just tell by looking at them, can't you? And the ceiling in this cave is too low. Not that you, the player, can see it. It's too bright for a cave too. I like caves dank and dreary. ;Deena :Actually, since reptiles like these reptoids don't perspire - only mammals do - they wouldn't smell nearly as much as a similar group of humans. ;Miserable ol' Martin :Look who's looking on the cheery side of life. I don't like it when people do that. Makes me feel depressed. Warport ;Baron von Doomkill :We have to PAY to use this service?! This is extortion!! Can't you just SLAY these blahsted cads and take the portals as our own? At least let ME kill them! I crave a rampage!! Aeropolis ;Bostolm :IT IS TOO BRIGHT HEEEERE!!! Too sunny! AAAHHHH!! Lifewood ;Bostolm :OH NOOOO!!!!! PIXIES LIVE HERE!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! And fairies. I don't mind fairies. They're nice. But PIXIES?!? AAAHHHHHH!!!!! THEY DIG IN MY MIIIIIIND!!! But they won't find any chocolate! Hee! HEE. Lost Monastery ;Bostolm :YAAAAAHHHH... Hoooome... Crimson Peak ;Miserable ol' Martin :Sigh. One minute it's too hot, next it's too cold. I can't even feel the temperature in this body, but it still makes me very depressed how fickle and noisome it all is. Fire Temple, Water Temple (before obtaining crystal) ;Baron von Doomkill :Bwahaha! I'm back, babehs! I shall gather you once moah, and once moah I will use you to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! All will fall before I, the great Baron von Doomkill! I SAID I WOULD BE BACK!! Fire Temple/Water Temple (after obtaining crystal) ;Miserable ol' Martin :Sigh. Now look what you've gone and done. It's all depressive now, this place. Not that it wasn't miserable before, but it's worse now. It's so gloomy that it makes even I feel down from looking upon it. Don't you just want to die? Me too. Earth Temple (before obtaining crystal) ;Deena :Though I was once a Shaman, attuned to the planet, this place brings me no joy. It houses a weapon which I was once on the receiving end of, you see, so it's hard to be cheery. ;Miserable ol' Martin :It is hard to be cheery, isn't it? I tried it once. It hurt my face and gave me a headache. I don't understand how, or WHY people do it. Gods, I'm depressed. Earth Temple (after obtaining crystal) ;Deena :Please, I implore you, make sure that the Earth Crystal is put to no use... Too many have already fallen from its use in the past. Miasmal Citadel ;Baron von Doomkill :Bwahaha! Finally, monstahs that test my tremendous tyrannical talents! Let us destory them uttahly, till naught but dust remains! Nay, not even that, for monstahs disappeah when slain!!1! Bwahaha! Canonia ;Deena :It is such a strange feeling, to be back in this place. It hasn't changed much at all since I was Shaman here, however long ago that was. It was a sleepy forest village then, and it's a sleepy forest village now. I am... glad it is still here at all. Canonia Woods ;Deena :I once lived here, in a cave in the woods... I was Shaman of this region, as I have told you previously. It is bizarre being here but not -feeling- the lifeforce of the woods, as I have lost my nature sensitivity with my body and title. I feel empty... ;Baron von Doomkill :Don't worry! You have us instead! Bwahaha! ;Miserable ol' Martin :We'll cheer you up. ;Deena :...Indeed. Tainted Grotto ;Deena :This is... where I died. It didn't look like this back then; it used to be my home, and it was cosy, full of things to make life comfortable while remaining close to Nature. You can thank my h-... -killer- for the poisoned state of the place. He was the Wizard who Did It in this case. Saul's Dungeon ;Miserable ol' Martin :Gods, this is a miserable place. Skeletons all over the place, death in the air... Nobody looks after the place. I'd look on the positive side and say that at least it makes me feel cheery in comparison to its pervading gloom, but I don't believe in the positive side. It's an illusion invented by bureaucrats to make us feel even more miserable. Like love. Gods, I'm depressed. Cambria ;Miserable ol' Martin :Sigh... Doesn't it just make you feel miserable, seeing that you're on the same level as insects? Or arthropods. Sentient arthropods. They're nothing, and we're nothing, and we're all going to die miserable deaths, except me because existence just loves to torture me. Sigh. Trivia * Legion's P-Dialouge repeatedly breaks the fourth wall, more so than any character (even Deugan doesn't come close) and also has occasional references to other forms of media, such as Martin acting the same as Marvin, Deena mentioning 'the Wizard who Did it' (originally a joke in The Simpsons, but possibly a reference to [[w:c:sardapedia:Sarda|Sarda from 8-Bit Theater]] or TV Tropes) and Martin saying that the cave roof in Xantusia is much too low. Category:P-Dialogue Archives